我的赌博，使我失去了一段婚姻。一个星期前，我的前夫问我是否一直都在赌博，我说是。我们的关系就此结束了。我们已经在一起4年半，却一直都分开居住，从来没有真正在一起过，就是因为我沉迷赌博。我不想让他靠得太近，因为害怕被他发现。因为我的说谎而使他深深受伤，情绪无法稳定，他再也无法信任我。这是第三次他发现我赌博，并且意识到我从来没有真正戒赌。现在，我了然一身，曾想过累了休息了，并尝试不再赌博，但是，这对于我来说真的很艰难！

　　自从我们分手（一周前），我没有再去赌，但我发现它真的很难。有时我觉得真的能做到，但接着就泄气了，我尝试着打电话给我的前夫，很多时候他都不管我的电话，最后终于说上话了，他说：他希望我能够自我反省不再赌博，除非我的赌瘾能得到彻底根除，否则不可能再有我们。

　　我决心戒赌，同时还清我的债务，并希望我与我的前夫重修旧好。唯一值得让我高兴的是，他的许多物品都还在我这里，那是他在装修我房子的时候留下来的工具。我觉得受到了伤害，他已经放弃了我。但，也许这“严厉的爱”正是现在的我所需要的。我也并不认为我完全明白我躺在这里能对他产生多大的影响，也许我应该将学习作为我恢复的一部分。

　　那个晚上，我觉得我正处于通过戒断症状的阶段，我内心很焦急，我的心脏跳得很厉害，却无法将赌博从我的脑海中驱除，这真的是难以抗拒，但我很快我就躺下入睡了。第二天早上，我觉得自己很够很好的抵制自己内心的渴望。我将独自到各个场馆去缓解一下压力。我也觉得自己要学习如何管理资金，现在的我很难理解以前自己是怎样每周在赌博上花掉几百美元的。这确实非常疯狂。现在，我已经制定了预算，能够每一个星期节省100元。时间一周接着一周的流逝，最后我已经不在乎在赌博中我是否会领先1000美元，我会继续按下按钮，直到把它全部输掉。站在两边赌博的人会很很怀疑的目光怀疑看着我，并一直在摇着头。我想，人如果曾陷入低谷，并认识到没有一个人会帮助他的时候，就会发生改变。我知道我需要抗拒我去赌博的渴望，我会呆在广场，在那里，我曾经的疼痛将会增加100倍。这些天，我已经开始了更多的理性思考。

　　上帝保佑这里的每一个人。

　　译文

　　I have just lost a relationship due to my gambling. My ex asked me a week ago if I had been gambling and I had said yes. So that was the end of our relationship, we had been together for 4.5 years, lived seperately and were never really able to move forward because of my gambling. I didn't want him too close incase he found out. He was basically sick of my lying, moods and unable to trust me. This is the third time he has found out about my gambling and realised that I have never really stopped. Now I am all alone and trying to get over a break up and trying not to gamble. It's really tough!

　　I haven't gambled since we split up （a week ago） but am finding it really tough. I feel really strong one day but very weak the next and try to call my ex, he ignores my calls for most of the time, last we spoke he said he wants me to fix myself because there could not be an 'us' until I get help.

　　I am determined to stop gambling, pay off my debts and hopefully resume the relationship I had with my ex. The only good thing is that a lot of his belongings are still at my place, all of his tools from when he was renovating my place. I feel a little hurt that he has abandoned me but maybe 'tough love' is what I need right now. I also don't think I fully understand how much my lying has impacted him, perhaps I should learn as part of my recovery.

　　I think I was going through withdrawal symptoms the other night, I was feeling very anxious and my heart racing, couldn't get gambling out of my mind, it was hard to resist but I just went to lay down and ended up falling asleep. The next morning I felt really good about myself for resisting my urges. I will be self excluding myself from various venues tomorrow so that will ease the pressure a bit and make it easier. I also feel like I have to learn how to handle money again, I find it hard to understand how I have been able to blow hundreds of dollars every week. It's insane. Now that I have worked out a little bit of a budget I may be able to save $100 a week. What was i thinking gambling pay cheque after pay cheque, week in, week out It got to the stage that I didn't care if I was $1000 ahead that night, I would continue pressing the button until it was all gone. People gambling on either side would look at me and shake their heads in disbelief. I think people are more likely to change if they hit rock bottom and realise that no one is there to help them, and I've certainly hit rock bottom over the past week. I know if I resist my urge and go to gamble I will be back at square one and the pain I have been feeling will be increased x 100. I have started to think more rationally these days.

　　God bless everyone here.